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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Reflections

I do apologize for not finalizing this adventure sooner, but upon returning home life almost returned to its normal craziness...

Before I left on this journey, a dear friend, who is a Vietnam Veteran, sad this experience would change my life for ever. At that moment in time, I had to laugh thinking it never would, but he was so right in his statement. Many of my soldiers who I deal with on a daily basis and have served overseas these last few years said similar things, one stood out... ‘maybe when you come back you will then understand the world I am living in right now’. Guys you were all right on the money, this experience has changed my life.


In dealing with our returning soldiers over the years I have tried to put myself into their shoes, since I had never been to a war zone before in my life. I tried to understand why they changed so drastically, now I think I understand with a bit more clarity what they have been trying to say.

Let me try and put it into words how I have been feeling, thinking and reacting since returning home... my experience is by far so much less than anyone who has ever put on a uniform and gone to war or a war zone, but many I have spoken to since returning who have been in uniform have made the same comment “Welcome to my WORLD!” Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this experience would truly change my life this much.

I have worked with the military for a long time, but never have I gotten so close to any of them, personally, that leaving them would make me cry. Returning home has been bittersweet for me. Leaving the guys of the 3rd LAR and CAG was very hard for me. I am never good at good-bye’s anyways, which is probably why I slipped away without performing that ritual before I left. The idea of saying that farewell to those smiling faces and sparkling eyes I grew accustom to seeing every day was too difficult for me. The night before I left the 1st Sgt. Made a comment to the guys that I was leaving the next day and just hearing those words brought the emotions of my leaving into my chest... I had to look away because I knew the tears were forming. I am usually the rock and never show emotions in public, but these guys got to me. Somehow I found the strength and courage to say a few words to the platoon leaders at the meeting without allowing the tears to fall. As I looked at each of them, the pride and motherly protectiveness for them all began to take hold of my heart and my words were short and sweet. Usually in a situation like that I would have spoken to each individually and given them a hug before I left, but I felt the emotions welling up inside me so fast and so hard that I had to walk away quickly. With the age difference between us, any one of them could have been my son if I had children. Although they have all become my adopted kids now, just ask Marshall at my local Post Office about how many packages I have already sent out. Anyways...

The trip home was long and extremely draining. Although a part of me didn’t want to come home because the guys were not with me, and I felt my mission was not totally completed, another part of me couldn’t wait to get home. I absolutely loved being with those warriors far beyond words could ever describe. Maybe by the time I am done writing this book I will have found the right words to help me truly describe this experience better, but since everyone wants to know my thoughts on many topics I will try and do my best so that someone else can feel the same excitement, thrill and sadness of my journey and how it has changed my life.

One thing I couldn’t wait to come to was my own comfortable bed, pillows and the privacy of my own bathroom. Not to mention the other amenities we hold dear to our hearts. The first night home all I wanted to do was sleep in that bed... but once I got into it, I couldn’t sleep. I felt guilty about being home without them. I found myself thinking of the guys sleeping on cots in the Swa-huts curled up in sleeping blankets and I wondered if they remembered to turn on the heaters before they went to sleep. Surprisingly enough it gets really, really cold at night in the desert. This first night home, I found myself crawling out of bed and sleeping on the floor.

Although many knew I was home, they were nice enough to give me the break in order to get back my sleep pattern from jet lag, unpack and unwind from the trip. The first week no matter what I was doing I continually thought of the guys back in Iraq. For some reason I longed to be back there with them so I too could share in their experience. Selfish of me I know, I wished they didn’t have to be there at all, but I know what the mission is they are trying to accomplish and I support them 100% in their efforts.

I find myself looking at everything differently now, nature, people, things, life. In Iraq there were birds which I never once heard sing. Here in the DC area, for the first time in a very long time, I am listening to the birds as they sing and fly around from tree to tree outside my office window. Maybe it was because I was in the desert where there is nothing but sand, sand and more sand, I’m enjoying the beauty of the foliage as it springs to life after being dormant from the winter. Because I travel a great deal I seem to always have something to do when I am on an airplane. As I flew home from California I found myself sitting next to the window for the first time since I was a kid just so I could look out over the land. Did you know that if you truly pay attention to the ground beneath you, the soil changes colors like leaves on a tree? From a light tan to a rich dark brown as you come east. It was amazing to see. From the mountainous region of the Utah and Colorado to the flat farm lands of the heartland to the sprawling cities filled with people of the cities below. The next time you travel across country in a plane, please put down that book, laptop or work papers and do something for yourself... take in the beauty of this wonderful country. That in it self will begin to change your life as you begin to slow down and begin to regain perspective of your life. It’s not always about work or pursuing success, it’s about YOU and your outlook on life!

I have always been a people watcher where ever I went, be it a bar, airports or the mall. For some reason since my return I am seeing people differently for the first time. Within the week of my return, I joined a few friendships who gather weekly for happy hour at a local sports pub. I found myself not being the happy go lucky life of the party this time. Instead I found myself quieter then usual, observing people in how they were interacting with each other. I noticed false smiles upon their faces as they listened to trivial stories of work, life and what ever else the person was saying. I noticed people’s table manners and etiquette which I never seemed to notice before. It wasn’t the clothing I noticed, but the way they tried to appear to be something they are weren’t. I found myself not only looking at them but also the traffic on the street, becoming more and more conscience of the vehicles parked along the curb. The noises began to bother me and I felt my chest beginning to cave in. I was in a place I didn’t want to be. I realized I really didn’t want to be around people just yet.

A few nights later I again went out to join friends at an Irish pub for dinner. The pub was crowded and normally I would have relished in the fact of walking through the crowd meeting and greeting the people along the way, instead I stood by the door waiting for my friends to show up. As I waited another friend walked up and invited me to join him and his friends from the State Dept for a bit. I went over since I knew most of them anyway. They all had questions about the journey and my experiences. While I was sharing the tales of the trip, one man who worked for the State Dept had to make his knowledge known to all and felt that my assessment of the situation in Iraq was not accurate because he apparently knew it all. He had never been to Iraq nor was he in a position to know anything of real significance on national security issues pertaining to terrorism or the region. However, he began spouting off at the mouth and half way through his rendition of the facts as he knew them I began to laugh so hard my buddy gave me a funny look. Before he or anyone else could ask me why I was laughing I gave them the answer... this guy who apparently works for a federal agency, drinking his beer in between his works was spouting off the same propaganda I had heard on the news that morning. I laughed because I was on the phone with the Public Affairs Office in Baghdad that same morning when the story was being reported on the news. I inquired about the facts and they apparently were incorrect in the report. The story in which he was spouting off about was about a single insurgent who bombed a building in Baghdad the night before. There were only a few deaths (civilian men) in that incident and couple of others injured. Accordingly that incident as well as many others was sensationalized in the media. This unfortunately is a common practice. Yet this guy only heard it was a large bombing and many people were killed and injured. One would think that if someone worked for the federal government he or she should be educated and informed, NOT! Almost as if he had memorized the crap word for word. Talk about a mockery of our legacy and how we as Americans have become so easily led down a path which truly has us all ignorant on facts because we always seem to believe everything on the news or in the papers. We need to seriously wake up.

That same night as I drove home my thoughts were with the guys overseas and as I approached a traffic light in the dead of night, there was a quick burst of light which lit up the sky. At first I was freaked out until it happened again. It was lightening but for a brief moment because my thoughts were back in Iraq I wasn’t sure where I was. This reaction was not what I expected. I later received a call from one of the soldiers I have been speaking to for the last year when he found it difficult to sleep. I told him what happened and to my surprise he laughed at me. Although we did not see horror or heavy fighting, geez I slept through a mortar attack, he told me that was a normal reaction. I relayed to him that I find myself still scanning the streets as I drive down the road, again he laughed at me, he still does the same thing. All he could say was welcome to our world Betty. I told him I was not sure I was actually in his world or not, since I did not see any combat around me. I felt sheltered because of that but also grateful at the same time that we were in a place that has been secured by the Warriors who have been stationed there. His only response to me was the adrenaline was still rushing through my veins and it would take time to subside from the high I had been on for the last month. Then it dawned on me, he was right. Without realizing it the adrenaline was flowing and I didn’t realize it.


Anyone who knows me knows that I am very outgoing and flirtatious, always harassing the men around me in order to put a smile on their face as well as my own. I am also a practical joker, playing tricks on my friends in order to make them laugh or take off the edge of a bad situation they are going through. While sharing my experiences with the wife of a soldier serving in Iraq with the 4th Alabama about it being with the United States Marine Corps and how memorable it was for me. Being surrounded by highly trained Warriors can definitely make you feel very safe and secure. As I explained to her that for some reason I did not feel any fear and that surprised me. Her response made me laugh so hard. She call me A Female Hugh Heffner. We both laughed thinking of the prospect. I could only see Hugh lounging in silk, while I was sweating in Desert Camo’s, no make up, no nails and lets not forget the sensual perfume of O’de sweat... oh the life... hahahaha. Being the ultimate flirt before leaving the US on this Journey I probably would have relished that idea. Although it was an honor to be the only female surrounded by so many fine Marine, someone had to do it right? Glad I was the one!

After my return I had to get away from it all and return to the one place I feel at peace and can regain perspective on life. Massachusetts. There is something very special about this area. I found such peace there four years ago and when I feel I need grounding that’s where I head. Being near the ocean has always been a place which helps me become centered. Maybe it’s the sounds of the water breaking against the shore that puts peace and harmony back into my veins, or maybe it’s the people who live there. To me it’s both. The friends I have in that area are like family to me. One thing that I realized over in Iraq was that I never really tell those who have touched my heart just how much they mean to me. This trip was not only to help ground me by being near the ocean once again, but to also tell a few special friends just how much they mean to me. I am blessed by their being in my life. What perfect time to deliver this message over the Easter Weekend. The weather in Plymouth was beautiful and the ocean was crisp and luscious. Although there was sand on the beach, as long as the oceans water was touching my toes, I was happy. To feel the cold water rushing through my toes washing away the overwhelming burdens I felt about being home.

Friends in Mass said I was slower then I usually was in the past. They said I seemed to be different and they were right. I was taking time for me for the first time in my life. I was noticing things more, the colors of the flowers in the garden, the birds flittering over the bird bath. While driving back to the house I stopped the car in the middle of the private road my friends live on just to admire the moon flickering over the water in the bay and how the tall grass in the marsh swayed in such a way it reminded me of one of Mozart’s piano concertos. When I went back into town the next morning, before I left I took one last stroll around Plymouth Bay just to watch the boats in the choppy waters. I watched the tourists seeking out history in the nestled shops along the road. I reflected about the history of our great nation as I looked down upon the Plymouth Rock. How the country has changed since those first explorers stepped off the boat onto this new land. Although I knew I had to leave, I didn’t want to. The peace which I felt didn’t want to diminish but it soon would when I returned to Washington, DC.

I arrived at the airport and after checking through security I went to the gate. This time I sat and watched people and to my astonishment I saw something for the first time. When ever I travel like many others I would always be found in an airport with Cell phone hanging from my ear, laptop in my lap pecking away at the keys not really paying attention to anyone around me. This time was different... I turned off my cell phone and didn’t take out my laptop. I watched people instead.

Most everyone seemed in a hurry and have an attitude, each with cell phones, PDA’s and laptops handing off their bodies. God to see this in a different light was amazing, because that used to be me, but not anymore. You see if you go for a month without this crap hanging from your body all the time, you realize you don’t need it really. Your life is so much better for it too.

Instead I watched people’s body language, listened to the tones of their voices as they spoke to people around them or on those phone conversations. There was a feeling in the air that struck me to the core.

One woman was on the phone discussing her relationship with a friend. It seemed to be a romantic relationship from what I heard. Complaining how he will not pay attention to her, treats her like crap, walks all over her and yet has the nerve to ask for favors all the time. Her friend must have asked her a question because her next comment was – she does them to please him, yet he never says thank you or shows his appreciation for what she has done for him. She quietly cried into the phone and tells her friend that she just doesn’t understand how much she loves this man and she can not understand how or what she was doing wrong for him not to love her in return. I just sat there shaking my head and so wanted to give her my opinion, but I refrained.

Another woman was also on the phone with a friend I gathered complaining about her family – older sister gave her daggers over the holiday when she announced she wanted to move to another state in the mid west – where the schools were better, taxes were extremely lower and as a single mother she could give her kids a better life. Sister and Mother were appalled with the idea – complaining how “they” would never see the her or the kids. She sounded confused and not so sure of her self any more. What should she do she asked her friend. She was so sad about a decision she seemed to want to make—I felt for her.

A mother sat on the floor playing with her young daughter singing to her to keep her occupied until we boarded. Keeping her calm. This was the only person in the terminal who smiled.

There were two annoying guys who were so impatient standing behind me as we all stood waiting to board the Southwest Flight. They were so busy with their conversations on those cell phones they failed to realize that the plane had landed as of yet. Yet they had to ask over and over again why the line wasn’t moving. I just about lost my cool with them, but decided they were not worth my getting upset.

Have you ever wondered how those who work for the airlines keep their jobs? Especially those in the baggage handling area of the airport...I was wondering this after boarding the plane. No wonder they are always going on strike they have nothing else to do. Then I thought, hell every college student should go after those jobs, they can work their hours and still study, ‘cause they apparently don’t have much to do from what I can see. You know why ‘cause, certain travelers are selfish individuals. Their time is more important then anyone else’s on a plane. You see I realized the same people who stood in line and complained about how long it takes to get on and off a plane are the selfish ones. They are the ones who have to bring those stupid suitcases on board a plane and make the rest of us wait while they struggle to lift and push a suit case into the over head compartment which apparently was not made for that kind of carry-on bag. Wake up.. your time is not more valuable than mine, or anyone else’s. Help the economy and check your luggage.. keep a luggage handler in his employment please! I truly think my suitcase had first class treatment being in the luggage compartment without those other nasty bags around it.

One consistent thing through out this trip was the fact that no one smiled. Every passenger looked sad. Now I know traveling is just as hard as a work out, but the atmosphere in the airport was that of a sad society not travelers tired from traveling.

After returning back to DC, I could feel the heat of the day as well as the hurried atmosphere that hangs over this city. A city which is filled with negativity it can suffocate a person. Maybe it’s the hot air which emanates from the buildings but I truly believe it’s the hot air of the politicians who make policy which governs our country. They truly need to wake up and smell the coffee because the people of America with all its bounty and wealth is becoming complacent and it shows on their faces. If only they would look into the eyes of the people who elected them. The sadness which radiates from their eyes is earth shattering.

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